Betty Roxx!

As we all know already, I am a nurse. Right now, I’m working the night shift…eleven at night until seven in the morning. There is actual work to be done on the night shift and since I work in a nursing home, people aren’t always sleeping. The more confused patients don’t know the difference between night and day. There is also alot of paperwork, but there is “down time”. Time to read, play games on your phone, and in my case, time to think. I am the only smoker on the night shift so I spend my cigarette breaks alone in the courtyard in the dark. There, my imagination runs wild.

I am a big fan of horror movies and books. (Thanks Grandmom! Still at 92 years old she will stay up until two or three in the morning eating baloney sandwiches to watch a good horror movie. She introduced me to classic horror movies as a kid.) Lately, I’ve been on a zombie kick. Zombie books, zombie movies, zombie video games…so as I sit alone in the dark on the night shift, of course I come up with a “what if…” zombie scenario. What if there was a zombie outbreak in the nursing home while I was at work…

I think it would start like this…It’s not uncommom for patients to die on the night shift, most of them do anyway. The issue is this, waiting for the funeral home to come and pick up the body. Sometimes they come right away and sometimes the families take awhile to decide what they should do if arrangements haven’t already been made. Therefore, the body can sit in a room for hours, since nursing homes generally don’t have morgues. If it’s winter we just open a window to keep it cold in the room. If it’s summer, we put the air conditioner on. We don’t wrap or shroud bodies anymore, we clean them up and make them look like they are just laying in bed sleeping. So what if, during this waiting period, the body reanimates and is infected with a zombie virus? It rises from it’s bed and comes down the hallway. Staff members would be confused. But not me, I would know, I’ve been mentally preparing for this. The other nurses would think they wrongfully pronounced this patient dead. I could tell by the waxen skin color and fogged-over eyes that this person is dead and is looking for human flesh to consume…I would tell everyone to run. They won’t believe me, I know it.

The moral question arises…what about the other patients? I know it sounds heartless, but I think it would be best to leave them behind. Two reasons, it will slow you down and your chance of survival becomes very slim, and secondly, they would be a good distraction. Hate to say it, but while your ground zero patient is feeding on them, that’s your chance to collect supplies, save your co-workers, and get to a place where you can hole-up and protect yourself.

In real-life, thinking in the courtyard, I devised a plan. The kitchen would be the safest place. The windows are high, zombies allegedly can’t climb, there are only two doors, both with small windows made of heavy wood, and of course, plenty of food. So you’ve finally convinced your co-workers that this is actually a zombie outbreak not a clinical error. Tell them to grab oxygen tanks, a medication cart, a treatment cart, tubing, and head for the kitchen. As soon as patient zero starts feasting, more zombies will be created.

Once in the kitchen, barracade the doors with the meal carts. They are huge metal carts and would be great for barracading. Weapons…oxygen tanks would make great high pressure air guns. Rig the tubing, put something sharp and heavy into it, turn it on at high pressure, aim for the zombie’s head and you can take that ugly sucker out! Medicine cart and treatment cart…plenty of medical supplies in case you need them. My friends Ralph and Cee-Jay, also zombie officiandos, told me I would only trap myself in the kitchen and be over-run by a horde of zombies eventually. If that’s the case, I would at least buy myself enough time to devise an escape plan. If over-run, I can try to climb out the high windows jump down to the parking lot and try to get to my car without breaking a leg. I would at least try to get to the loading dock and rescue anyone I could, but something tells me I should just go if I make it as far as my car. Another plan would be to open an oxygen tank, throw it at the hoarde of zombies, then throw a match or lighter at it, then run like hell…zombies keep walking when they’re on fire. So much to remember! Last, but not least, if all else fails, and you know you’re going to die anyway, you have an entire medicine cart at your disposal. Take a lethal combination of drugs and die of an overdose. That, to me, is much better than being eaten alive…

So this is what I think about when I’m on the nightshift on my cigarette break, alone in the courtyard, in the dark…